The Things We'll Never Know
by icaughtfire
Summary: I feel like I've been raped all over again, but this time it's my heart. She's tearing me apart. I need to have her and I will do anything to get her. I'd give it all up for her. PalexElex Triangle. HIATUS
1. The Ballad Of Sal Villanueva

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own original ideas. Unfortunately I don't own Alex, Ellie, Paige, or anything else Degrassi-related. The lyrics are owned by Taking Back Sunday.**

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**-The Things We'll Never Know-**

_So as his eyes move past your shoulder,  
And your shades start moving in the same direction.  
Don't worry I, well I won't say a thing.  
And you can't blame a girl for stickin' to what she knows._

Alex swallowed roughly, her teeth chattering in the cool nighttime weather. She gazed at the fire blazing several feet away from her and shivered as she heard it crackle. What was she doing here? This place, this horrible place, where people came to feel something when they couldn't feel anything else... The place where Jay had hooked up with a countless amount of girls when they had been dating. The place where she'd been cheated on. But what Jay had done to her didn't matter anymore. What mattered was Paige, and how she'd run straight into her ex-boyfriends arms the moment they broke up. It made bile rise to her throat. How could Paige have done this? She had to have known it would hurt Alex immensely, and it did. Paige was the entire reason Alex was in this place she hated. She was so upset about everything and hadn't fought it when Jay had asked her to come here. She'd quickly agreed, but once there disappeared, not wanting to talk to anyone. She wanted to be alone, and somehow Jay couldn't get it through his thick skull that she wasn't interested in him. There was no way in hell she was going to make that mistake twice. It wasn't like she had feelings for him anymore, or any real feelings at all for that matter. She'd already cried her heart out, and now was simply left with that numb feeling.

Alex wasn't thinking clearly as she walked towards the fire, yanking a bottle of whiskey from some guy's grip. As she retreated away from him and into the woods he shouted in protest, but she didn't care. She ignored him, bringing the bottle to her lips and letting it wash over her like a strong tide, threatening to push her over. She gulped it down quickly, shuddering as the taste of whiskey filled her mouth, the scent quickly rising to her nostrils. Alex coughed before continuing to mindlessly swallow more of the alcohol that burned her throat. This was all Paige's fault. She'd done this to her, made her sick to her stomach with sadness. Alex threw the bottle onto the ground and it landed with a crash, breaking into a million jagged pieces. Alex laughed then, the sound so strange and foreign in her throat. She leaned down, picking up one of the shards and examining it in her hands. She ran its' sharp edges over her fingers, wincing slightly as it drew blood. Then she smirked, rolling up her jacket sleeve and bringing the shard against her arm. She clenched her jaw, desperately wanting to cry out as she dug the object into her skin. She clutched her arm afterwards, staring at it in disbelief. God, what had she become? She'd always preached that cutting yourself was the fool's way out and here she was doing the very same thing she'd lectured about. Since when was Alex a fool? She drew in a breath, dropping the bloody makeshift weapon onto the ground and standing, feeling woozy. Her eyes were still focused on her arm, slick with blood, and her vision started getting blurry. She took a shirt out of her backpack, gingerly wrapping it around her now injured arm and beginning to walk, vowing to go wherever her legs took her.

It was awhile before she arrived anywhere, and once Alex reached her destination she stood in front of the door, nervously trying to decided whether or not to knock. Before she got the chance to choose, the door opened.  
"Alex?" Alex frowned as her eyes met a familiar pair of brown ones. Those eyes filled with worry when she glimpsed Alex's bloody arm, and the girl pulled her inside without another word.

"What did you do to your arm?" Ellie exclaimed in surprise as they came inside, unwrapping the now soaked shirt. "Nevermind that, let's just get you cleaned up." Ellie might have noticed the familiar stench of alcohol on Alex's breath, but if she did, she didn't mention it. Ellie led her friend to the bathroom, washing the bloodied arm and rinsing the deep cut with peroxide. Alex yelped out in pain, biting her lip and grabbing Ellie's hand for stability. The redhead frowned as she wrapped her friend's wound in gauze, still so surprised because of what Alex had done to herself. She was speculating that Alex had done this, though it didn't make much sense. Alex had given her a countless amount of anti-cutting speeches and Ellie never imagined Alex would engage in something like this. It was totally out of character for her. The cutting and the alcohol both hinted that something bad must have happened. But what on earth would Alex have this kind of reaction to? As Ellie wondered this, she realized that even though she and Alex were friends, she really didn't know all that much about her.

The two of them quietly sat down on Ellie's bed, Alex with her eyes wide and rimmed with tears and Ellie, quietly pondering the current situation. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, it was Ellie who spoke first: "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked slowly, her voice dropping below a whisper. Alex shook her head violently in response, pushing a strand of raven colored hair out of her eyes. Ellie nodded in understanding, inching closer to her friend and hesitating before pulling her arms around the obviously damaged girl. By this time Alex couldn't hold it in anymore. She was rocking with sobs, tears cascading down her face. Ellie resisted the urge to cry as she held her friend close, trying desperately to console her.

After crying for almost an hour and a half, Alex slid under the covers and closed her eyes, too exhausted to stay awake any longer. Ellie reached out her hand and touched the girl's face, watching as the older girl fell into a peaceful slumber. Ellie gave her a kiss on the forehead and also slid under the covers and closed her eyes, but not to sleep. She'd been on her way out when she'd opened the front door and Alex had been standing there. She obviously couldn't leave now. Ellie had been getting ready to go get lunch and then drop by this group meeting she'd heard about. She shrugged away her disappointment; she could go next week, it wasn't that important. Alex was in trouble and in order for Ellie to be a good friend, she had to be there for her. With a self-satisfied smile, Ellie put her arm around her friend, moving her body closer to hers. Alex didn't resist. She turned around, eyes still closed, pressing her body against Ellie's. Ellie was startled when she felt Alex's quivering lips over her own.

"Paige," Alex mumbled, caressing Ellie's face before opening her eyes and gazing at her, taken aback when she realized what she had just done. "Oh, God. Ellie, I'm so sorry. I was dreaming." Alex sat up quickly, pulling her legs to her chest. She felt ashamed, heat rising to her face. If she hadn't got so caught up...  
Ellie smiled grimly, trying to reassure Alex. "It's fine."

"I...I thought you were Paige." Alex admitted, embarrassed.  
"Last time I checked, I wasn't blonde," Ellie grinned, but the grin faded quickly when she realized something. "Is that what this is about? Paige? What did she do to you? I'll kill her." Ellie rose, stepping out of the room angrily. She'd put up with Paige for a long time, but this was taking it a step too far. She never let anyone mess with her friends. Alex followed Ellie out of the room, tightly grabbing her by the arm.  
"Down, girl." Alex managed a weak smile before continuing. "Stop. This was about Paige, but it was stupid. I was stupid. I should have known better than to drink when I'm upset. There's no reason for you to resort to homicide."  
"Okay. But if that changes, let me know." Ellie winked, and Alex let out a laugh.

"Will do. So, do you have psychic powers or what? You opened the door right when I was getting ready to knock. That's wicked." Alex raised an eyebrow.  
"Nah. I was getting ready to leave." Ellie replied.  
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry I bothered you. I should probably go anyway." Alex gathered up her stuff and slowly made her way to the front door.  
"Alex?" Ellie called out. Alex turned around, her full attention on Ellie. "I was going to this group. It started a little bit ago, but I still want to go. You can come with me if you'd like." Alex shrugged. It wasn't like she had anything better to do. If she went home her mom would undoubtedly be there with the scumbag of the week, and she didn't feel like dealing with that right now. So she surrendered, a weak smile appearing on her face as they began their walk to the recreation center where the meeting was being held.

_Forget your legs around my hips.  
Forget your hands pressed on my back.  
Forget the letters that I kept.  
This is another I won't send.  
Forget your lips, your eyes, your thighs.  
Forget our one last kiss goodnight.  
Forget me stakin' out your house.  
Forget I've got you figured out..._

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**Author's Note: Hope you like it. Please review. This is a heavier piece I've been working on. I've been trying lately to be more descriptive, so this story is sort of an experiment to see how much better my writing can become. I'm not entirely sure what direction it's going in. It might end up being Elex, Palex, or even Pellie (don't assume just because of the kiss that it's Elex). It might not end up having romance in it at all. I'm just not sure right now.**


	2. There's No 'I' In Team

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything Degrassi-related. I do however own my own ideas so please don't steal them because that's not nice.  
Lyrics by Taking Back Sunday.

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**- The Things We'll Never Know -**

_I've got a twenty-dollar bill,  
That says you're up late at night starting,  
Fist fights versus fences in your backyard... _

"What kind of group is this?" Alex questioned suddenly on the walk to the recreation center. She'd been down this way a few times and had even been at the rec center once or twice, but there was no telling what kind of meeting Ellie was dragging her to. Hopefully it wasn't a meeting for cutters. Alex swallowed roughly, self-conciously touching her arm still wrapped with gauze. She still couldn't believe she'd done this. She turned her attention back to Ellie, who was answering her.  
"You'll see." Ellie mused as the entered the building. Alex rolled her eyes. She was hoping this wasn't going to be anything weird. She'd had enough weird the past few days. Alex went silent as they approached the large banner hanging from the ceiling that read GLBT Meeting Today. She didn't have to be a genius to figure out what that meant. Alex felt herself growing nervous and filling with questions. Why was Ellie going to a meeting like this?

"Does this mean what I think..." Alex's voice trailed off when she saw someone approaching, someone whose real gender she couldn't be sure of, and her question was answered. She went silent, crossing her arms to her chest and gazing carefully at the girl in front of her. At least, she thought it was a girl.

"Welcome to the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Meeting. You're a little late but there's still a few seats left." The girl greeted excitedly, gesturing towards several open chairs. Ellie nodded, leading Alex over to their seats. Alex looked around, amazed at all the different people sitting in this room. They all looked so different from each other, and some of them she didn't think as the type of people to go to these things. Alex couldn't breathe when she laid eyes on a pretty blonde in the corner. She resembled Paige. Alex felt her stomach heave. It was a stupid idea to come here.

"Ellie, since when are you..." Alex didn't know how to ask this without sounding rude. Ellie didn't seem offended at all. She laughed, patting her friend on the shoulder.  
"I'm bi. It's okay, I don't mind if you ask. You're a lesbian, right?" Ellie smiled, and Alex felt her stomach drop. She had just recently decided she was a lesbian. A full blown lesbian. No guys for her. She smiled weakly, biting her lip and dropping her gaze to the carpet.  
"Yeah. I am." She answered, blushing wildly. The only person she'd told was Jay. Everyone else had just assumed she was bisexual since she'd dated guys in the past, but the truth was, she hadn't really been into it at all. She'd been living a lie. It felt so strange to outright tell someone this- especially Ellie. Ellie was bi? That made Alex even more embarrassed about the accidental kiss from earlier. Alex looked up just in time to see the pretty blonde coming towards her.

"Hi, I'm Laura." The girl introduced, grinning widely. Her lips were painted a bright shade of red lipstick, her mascara laid on thick, and lots of eyeliner. When she came closer Alex realized she looked like an alternative version of Paige. Alex tried not to meet the girl's gaze, but she couldn't help it.  
"Alex. Nice to meet you." Alex replied quickly while noticing Laura's gorgeous green eyes. They were the color of sea foam and Alex had never seen eyes that color. Except on Paige. Those eyes of hers that changed from green to blue depending on her mood. She had to stop thinking about Paige. It was beginning to drive her crazy. Laura noticed the open seat beside of Alex and moved there. The two of them began talking, and Alex couldn't take her eyes off of the girl. She was wearing a low-cut black top with so much cleavage visible, Alex was having problems concentrating. Laura of course noticed the direction of her gaze, and she laughed. Ellie listened to the girls talk. She'd never heard Alex talk this much. Ellie tried to speak to a few people as well. Alex had the right idea. One could never have too many friends.

"Your eye makeup is gorgeous." Ellie complimented the girl in front of her. The girl smiled, looking Ellie up and down before she said anything.  
"Why thank you. I'm Tara." Tara's hair was a shocking shade of blue. Ellie wondered what she would look like if she dyed her hair. But no, her hair had been red for what seemed like forever, and she liked it that way. Most of the time, anyway. She noticed the hoop in Tara's lip, and complimented her on that also.  
"Oh, I'm Ellie by the way. The dark haired girl in the tank top is my friend Alex." Ellie explained, gesturing towards Alex, who was still gabbing away with the blonde.

"She's..._just_ your friend?" Tara asked mischeviously, her brown eyes sparkling. Ellie's face grew hot.  
"Unfortunately. Besides, she's too hung up on her girlfriend to ever look at me that way." Ellie told her, feeling the familiar pangs of jealousy. Paige didn't know how lucky she was.  
"Hung up on her girlfriend? Is that girl over there her girlfriend? Cause if not, it doesn't look like she's too _hung up_ from here." Tara said slowly, biting her lip.  
"What?" Ellie questioned, taken aback. She looked over at Alex and Laura, who were holding hands. Ellie jumped up from her seat, pushing people out of the way and grabbing Alex by the arm.

"May I speak with you!" Ellie screamed, not waiting for an answer as she dragged her friend out of the room. "What the hell, Alex. You have a girlfriend." She hissed once they were in the hallway.  
"No I don't." Alex argued, her anger rising. She'd just stopped thinking about Paige and here Ellie was bringing her up again. Of course Ellie didn't know about the breakup- she'd never gotten around to telling her.

"Just because of one fight you're acting like this? She's still your girlfriend. God, get over it. It was just fight. Everyone has fights." Ellie rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"No it wasn't. We broke up, and she slept with fucking Spinner. End of story, I'm going home." Alex spat, hurrying away and leaving Ellie there, completely surprised. So that's what had happened. It all made sense now. Ellie couldn't help herself as her legs carried her to Paige's house. She was now desperate to talk to her. She had to find out Paige's side of the story.

"Oh, hi." Paige greeted as she opened the door. Ellie gritted her teeth, pulled back her first, and punched Paige in the face. As soon as she did it, she couldn't believe it. She wasn't coming here to hit Paige, it just...happened. Paige fell down hard and Ellie stood there in total shock. Paige stayed on the ground, clutching her face in her hands. Ellie stared down at her. "What. The hell. Was that!" Paige screeched.  
"I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me," Ellie helped her up, feeling guilty but at the same time, feeling relieved. "Okay, maybe I do know what came over me. Alex told me what happened. After seeing what she did to herself, I just couldn't help it. I'm sorry. It was irrational and impulsive, and just plain stupid. I was upset."

"Yeah. Obviously. Wait a second. What did Alex do exactly?" Paige's face turned to a look of concern, and Ellie frowned, not wanting to have to tell her this part.  
"She showed up at my house drunk with her arm all cut up and stuff. Apparently she did it. Because of you and everything you did to her." Ellie was deliberately making her feel guilty, and it was working. Paige bit her lip hard, turning around so Ellie couldn't see her face. She heard a sob escape Paige's mouth.

"Are you, are you sure?" Paige gasped, wiping her eyes and wincing as she touched the tender spot below her eye. "Jesus, you hit really hard."

"It's what happened. You hurt her on purpose. Don't you try to deny it. And yeah. I know." Ellie clenched her jaw, staring at Paige. Paige crossed her arms.  
"I was upset. Sleeping with Spinner didn't mean anything to me. Besides, I didn't think Alex was going to find out. Hazel had to open her big, fat mouth." Paige muttered angrily. She'd ended her friendship with Hazel when her supposed best friend had bragged to her about how she spilled the beans to Alex. Even then, Paige didn't imagine Alex would have such a reaction.

"She did find out. That's all that matters." Ellie answered pointedly.  
"You're right. But I'm sorry she did find out. Just because of the obvious reaction she had. I feel so guilty." Paige shoved her hands into her pockets, narrowing her gaze.

"Do you miss her?" The redhead asked suddenly.  
"Truthfully?" Paige asked. Ellie nodded, and Paige continued. "More than anything. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I just, I can't believe it's over, you know? I thought she and I were going to live happily ever after in that cliche kind of way. She gets me. More than anyone else ever has. Um...do you want to come in?"

"No thanks. I gotta go. Sorry again about hitting you and everything." Ellie apologized, this time sincere. Alex felt the same way Paige did. They both missed each other immensely. Ellie sighed. She was going to be alone forever.  
"Oh, it's fine. I'm sure one day I'll look back on this and laugh. Right now, no, because my face kinda hurts- but...someday." Paige cracked a smile.

After Ellie left, Paige stood in the doorway for quite some time. She watched Ellie walk away and thought about everything that had happened between her and Alex. She did miss her. She missed her sarcastic remarks, her beautiful eyes, and the way it made her feel when she kissed her. Paige blinked back tears, closing the door and going back inside. She picked up the phone and put it to her ear, listening to the dial tone for a couple seconds before dialing. She had to call Alex. God, she felt so guilty. She couldn't imagine what was going through Alex's head. She had a tendency to screw things up inside there. God only knows what Alex was thinking. Paige missed her so much. They said they'd stay friends but now they were graduating and they hadn't spoken more than a few words to each other since the breakup.

"Alex? Oh. This is your voicemail. Great. Um, it's me. It's -- Paige. I just wanted to check up on you. Ellie was worried and um, so am I. Just give me a call back, please. Talk to you later," As she got ready to hang up, she brought the phone reciever back up to her mouth. "I miss you." She said this quickly and hung up, her heart pounding in her chest.

Alex had been taking a shower when Paige called. Now she was staring hard at her cell phone. A missed call from Paige, and a new voicemail, undoubtedly from Paige. She didn't bother listening to it, but didn't delete it either. She was toweling off when she heard a knock on the door. She wrapped the towel around her body, sighing and stomping towards the front door. If it was another one of those Jehova's Witnesses she was going to flip out on them. She opened the door. And it was Paige.

"I need to talk to you." Paige urged, her blue eyes pleading. Alex pulled the towel close to her body, trying to ignore the tingling feeling she was getting inside.  
"And you need to get better timing." Figured Paige would come over at the exact moment Alex was less than clothed. It left her in quite an awkward situation considering the circumstances.  
"Alex. I'm serious. Please." Paige begged.  
"Fine, but let me get dressed. Sit in the living room and wait." Alex left the door open, stalking back into her room and getting dressed. When she returned to the living room Paige was sitting on the couch, her legs crossed. She was humming a song from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Alex winced. They'd watched that movie together back when...Alex frowned, taking a seat at the other end of the couch. It seemed so far away from Paige. She needed to be far away from her, though she didn't want to be.

"Ellie told me everything. Did you get my message? I called like half an hour ago." Paige jumped right into it when Alex took a seat, and the raven haired girl couldn't help feeling a bit overwhelmed.  
"I got it, but I didn't get a chance to listen to it yet. How much of everything did Ellie tell you?" Alex frowned. This had been something personal. She couldn't believe Ellie had gone and told Paige.

"Absolutely everything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What I did was beyond bitchy and I am so sorry for what I made you do. Can...can I see your arm?" Paige scooted closer and Alex pushed back the unwelcome butterflies that were forming in her stomach. She nodded and slowly pushed up the sleeve of her shirt.

"Here." Alex said angrily, glaring at Paige with her dark eyes.

"Oh. Wow. You were drunk when...did it hurt?" Paige looked sad. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, and Alex shrugged her shoulders.  
"Yeah. A little. Hurt more afterwards, though. Um. What happened to your face? You've got a black eye. How could YOU have possibly made ANYONE angry?" Alex spoke this last sentence with thick sarcasm and Paige let out a short laugh. She touched the skin under her eye, and frowned deeply. It was still really sore, even though she'd iced it and everything.

"Ellie..." Paige lowered her gaze to the floor, pursing her lips and not saying anything else.  
"Because of me? That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me." Alex smiled, but her smile disappeared when she looked at Paige again. "God. That looks terrible."  
"Yeah. It hurts. But it's not like I didn't deserve it. So, um, it's really good to see you." Paige admitted, trying not to get her hopes up. Alex stared at her hard.

"You too. I guess. I mean, I thought I was starting to get over you before this crap happened. I met someone new and...seeing you...makes me realize I'm not quite over it. Or you." Alex's voice broke, and she started sobbing uncontrollably, her body shaking with shivers.

_Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor.  
Soaking in sympathy,  
From friends who never loved you nearly half as much as me._

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**Author's Note:** A bit less descriptive than I would have liked, but it's also pretty long in terms of other things. Don't know if you can see where I'm going with this but I've got things figured out now. I have the next chapter mostly written. Please review, thank you. 


	3. Miami

Disclaimer: Again I don't own Degrassi or its wonderful characters. I only own my original ideas and if you steal them I think I might cry. The lyrics are all by Taking Back Sunday.

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**- The Things We'll Never Know -**

_The whole truth and nothing but the truth  
Stop me if you've heard this one before  
The whole truth is nothing but a good excuse_

"I'm not over it either." Paige answered. She was surprised. Maybe Alex still wanted to be with her. Part of her thought that Alex would've been her old bitter self, determined to stay away from her exes, but this time it was different. She wasn't over it. Well, neither was Paige. She'd spent countless nights under the sheets with her cheeks stained and an empty pint of Ben & Jerry's by her side. A blush rose to her face as she noticed Alex staring at her like she was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. "I don't want it to be over. I still want to be together. But obviously, that's not gonna happen. You met someone? Who? Do you mean Ellie?"  
"What! Ellie? Not at all. This girl. Laura. What would make you think Ellie and I..." Alex's eyes bulged, and Paige smiled. Alex sounded genuinely taken aback.

"She seems into you," Paige explained, throwing up her hands. "No. I **know **she's into you." She replied, her eyes locked on Alex's. Alex bit her lip, unsure of what to say. She was silent for a moment before speaking.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Alex finally said, stony faced.

"You're blind, then." Paige told her, with a grin on her face. She wasn't so happy inside, though. She was about eighty percent sure that Ellie liked Alex. What if something ended up happening between them? She told herself to shut up. She didn't have any business thinking any of this. She and Alex had broken up. They weren't a couple. Alex's love life was not her problem. Or...was it?

"Get me a seeing eye dog then, because I sure don't see what you're seeing. We're just friends, Paige. " Alex answered, taking her usual method and making a joke to get out of the situation. Paige rolled her eyes, daring to put her hand on Alex's thigh.  
"I'm serious. Ask her." Paige's voice was reassuring. Alex frowned. It sounded like Paige wanted her to be with Ellie. That didn't make any sense. She'd just said she wanted to be with her. Why the turnaround? Typical Paige.

"Even if she did like me - which she doesn't - why would she _tell _me?" Alex asked, her attention on the fact that Paige was touching her leg. She silently willed her to move her hand. Alex was starting to break down. Having Paige so close. Having her there saying she wanted to be back together. So did Alex. But she couldn't fall into that hole. She couldn't get involved with her again. Going to Kingston, well, it wasn't right for her future. She didn't want to hold Paige back from her dreams and damn well didn't want to go there either.

"I don't know." Paige admitted, shrugging her shoulders.

"Okay then. Is that all you wanted?" Alex questioned, getting up from her seat. Paige shook her head in response, pulling Alex down to her and giving her a quick kiss. Alex felt her face grow hot. She'd forgotten how great of a kisser Paige was.  
"Alright. That's all I wanted." Paige said once the kiss ended, grinning sheepishly and making her way towards the door. Alex followed her, feeling a little wobbly. Planning things was overrated. She needed to go with the now. And right now Paige was all she could think about.

Alex's mouth twisted into a smirk and she pinned Paige against the door. "Not so fast, Princess." She mumbled, her hands restraining Paige's arms. She kissed her roughly on the mouth, and then let go of Paige's arms. Paige stumbled against Alex's body, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her back. Alex and Paige stood there, out of breath and staring at each other for awhile.

"I missed that." Paige finally spoke, her voice low in her throat. Alex nodded, pulling Paige onto the couch with her. It felt so nice to be close again.  
"So did I." Alex answered, giving Paige a kiss on the cheek.  
"So. What now?" Paige asked, pushing a long strand of Alex's hair out of her face. She was so beautiful. God, she wanted to be with her forever.

"Let's not think about that right now." The girls collapsed onto the couch together, wrapped in each others arms and enjoying the comfortable silence. When they heard the door open loudly, both of them jumped up, ending all bodily contact. Alex gazed at her mother whose face was slack, her eyes glassy. She was drunk. Her mom looked at her and muttered something below her breath. Alex sighed, getting up from her seat on the couch and making her way out of the open door, motioning for Paige to follow. Alex bumped into her mom's boyfriend on the way out. He grunted something at her and she shoved him out of the way, angrily stomping out of the apartment complex.

"Sorry about that." Alex said quietly, embarrassed again. Her mother was such an embarrassment all the time. She remembered that time not so long ago after the premiere. The way her mother had acted with Paige. Paige loved it but Alex, well, she wasn't so happy.

"No problem. Listen, I gotta go home. I told Dylan I'd be back." Paige explained. She clutched Alex's hands in hers, looking into her eyes and smiling. "I'll see you soon, okay?" The blonde gave her friend/ex girlfriend/girlfriend again/whatever - a peck on the lips before getting into her car. Alex realized she had to go back inside. She'd come out here thinking maybe Paige would want to go out to dinner. She sighed. It was late- but she was hungry. She knew the Dot would be open; they had new hours now that it was summer again. Alex took out her cell phone, scrolling through names until she came across one in particular.

It would be killing two birds with one stone. Getting her stomach to stop growling and gurling at her and getting to ask Ellie what was going on between them. Alex inhaled deeply, pushing the send button and listening as Ellie's phone rang. After two rings, she picked up.  
"Ellie? Hey. It's me. I was wondering if you'd like to meet me for dinner. I thought we could talk." Alex was nervous for some reason. She didn't want Paige to be right. Yeah, that had to be it. Ellie liking her would make things way too complicated. It would totally screw up their friendship.

"Oh. Sure, I g-guess." Ellie mentally slapped herself when she stuttered. Alex was going to start getting suspicious if she kept acting like such a spaz all the time. She tried to remain calm though her palms were sweaty and she was getting goosebumps. "Talk about what?"  
"Us. Meet me at the dot in 15 minutes."  
The phone went dead and Ellie sat on her bed in disbelief. Since when had she and Alex been an "us"? Did she even mean it the way it sounded? Ellie's thoughts overwhelmed her as she approached her closet, trying to figure out what to wear. What was Alex expecting? More importanly, what was SHE expecting?

Alex was sitting at her favorite table in the dot, anxiously drumming her fingers. She glanced at her watch again. Ellie still wasn't showing up. Maybe she should leave...But just as Alex contemplated leaving, Ellie finally arrived. She looked flustered, hurrying over and taking a seat.  
"Sorry I'm late. I was getting ready. I know, it's a stupid excuse, but it's all I have. I was in my pajamas and I don't think you want to see me in those." Ellie announced quickly.

"It's fine." Alex smiled, and Ellie felt her stomach start hurting even worse than it already had been. Terrific. Alex didn't need to smile at her like that. It just made her want to vomit. In the good way, of course.

"So let's talk." Ellie struggled to keep her voice level. She leaned back into her chair, clearing her throat and trying not to meet Alex's gaze.  
"Right. This is hard for me to ask you but..." Alex began. Before she could finish, Ellie interrupted her. Alex liked her too. She had to. There'd been so many signs. She was getting ready to ask her out. She had to be. It just, made sense. Maybe she was reading into things. No, she was pretty sure..

"Yes."  
"You don't even know what my question is. How could you say yes without knowing the question? What if I asked you to participate in a homicide...would you say yes to that?" Alex joked, her eyes sparkling. Ellie laughed, shrugging her shoulders.

"I know what you're asking. And yes." Ellie smiled.

"Oh. Wow. Okay." Alex clutched her glass, taking a sip of water. So Ellie did like her. She wasn't expecting that at all. It didn't seem to make much sense to her. She and Ellie were friends. How could Ellie feel that way about her? Had she flirted with her unintentionally? Alex didn't think so. "Um. I wasn't expecting you to say yes."  
"Of course yes." Ellie was still thinking Alex had meant to ask something else. She leaned forward, unexpectedly bringing her lips to Alex's. Alex opened her eyes widely, shoving Ellie away from her. A look of confusion appeared on the other girl's face.

"Apparently you got the wrong idea about us, Ellie," Alex stood, barely able to keep from collapsing. That kiss had been incredible. It was weird enough to find out Paige had been right, but she'd actually felt something during that kiss. A spark. She blinked a few times, backing away from her friend. This could not be happening. She wanted Paige more than anything. These feelings were...crazy. "Nothing can happen with us. I think Paige and I are back together." She continued quickly, blinking several times.

"I thought you were asking me to be your girlfriend. Obviously you weren't. But I don't understand. Paige hurt you. How could you be back together? You're totally wrong for each other!" Ellie insisted, her eyes rimmed with tears. Somehow she'd misread the situation. She had been distracted by her feelings, so distracted she was blind to what Alex wanted. She felt pathetic. "If you weren't asking me out, then what were you asking me?" Alex tried to regain her composure, cautiously making her way towards Ellie but making sure not to get too close. It was too weird. Now she had kissed her twice. This wasn't right.

"I was going to ask you if you had a crush on me. You kind of answered my question, though." Alex replied with a thin-lipped smile.

"Oh." Ellie frowned, sinking into her seat and propping her head up on her elbows. She didn't bother to wipe her eyes, tears still flowing down her face. She had been so stupid. It was really out of character for her to ever go with her gut and the one time she did, she'd been totally off base.

"It'll be okay. You'll find someone." Alex brought her fingers up to her lips, replaying the kiss in her head. She shouldn't have been feeling this way. She and Paige were meant to be. She knew that. Yet, she began to wonder what a relationship with Ellie might be like.  
"I guess you're right. Well, it's late. I should get home. Thanks for um, clearing things up." Ellie stood, but wasn't standing long. She tripped over the leg of the chair, and was sent sprawling onto the floor. She recovered quickly and Alex moved after her, looking concerned.  
"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just tripped. I'm fine. Bye." Ellie spun back around, hurrying out the door.

Alex couldn't help feeling bad. If it had been a different situation, she would have been glad to be with Ellie. But she obviously couldn't right now. Alex decided to go to Paige's house, despite her nervousness about what had just happened. She knew that Paige would be there waiting for her. Alex tried to figure out whether or not she would tell her exactly what happened, and decided against it. As soon as she saw Paige, Alex was flooded with guilt all over again. There she was, her hair loose around her shoulders, dressed in a purple nightgown that she looked amazing in. Alex had just kissed some other girl. A girl who wasn't her girlfriend, or whatever Paige was. She was so screwed up. Alex plastered on a fake smile, taking a place beside of Paige on her bed.

"So?" Paige jumped right into it. It was so like her to do that. Alex was less excited about having this conversation. She grimaced, not wanting to talk about it.  
"You were right." She said softly, taking Paige's hand in hers.  
"Well, let me figure out if that's a good or bad thing." Paige muttered.

"Bad thing. Now Ellie and I's relationship is fucked." Alex exclaimed with a deep sigh. It was true. Their friendship was never going to be the same. Alex would replay that kiss everytime she saw her.  
"Relationship?" Paige raised her eyebrows. Alex gazed at her carefully, completely still. She was just teasing her. Hopefully. Alex frowned as she looked at Paige.

"Friendship. You know what I meant." Alex growled, scrunching her nose up in feigned anger.  
"Yeah, I'm just teasing," Paige grinned. "You're hot when you do that." She commented, lowering her voice. She bit her lip seductively. "My parents are out for the weekend."

"Of course they are." Alex grinned, pulling her girlfriend close to her. "You gonna take advantage of me?" She'd thought about it several times when they'd been dating. She wanted everything to be perfect if and when anything like that happened between them.

"Maybe. I haven't decided yet." Paige was being a tease, and she knew it. Dylan was in the house. She wouldn't dare try to do anything with Alex when he could walk in at any moment. Paige leaned back on her bed, pulling Alex on top of her and iniating a kiss from her girlfriend. Alex kissed back, lightly biting Paige's bottom lip. Paige couldn't help the shiveres that rocked through her body, those shivers she got every time she was around Alex. Her entire body was tingling as Alex wrapped her arms around her. She could smell Alex's new cologne. Paige breathed in deeply, kissing Alex again. She'd never been so attracted to someone in her entire life. It just felt so natural. She couldn't believe they'd even broken up. She couldn't fathom how she survived one second without being in her love's embrace. "I love you." She whispered. Paige didn't know if Alex heard her or not, and that was okay. Everything felt right again...

_So long as you don't torture me with my past  
Let's be honest; a secret silenced is a secret safe_

* * *

**Author's Note: **Alex is keeping secrets from Paige. I don't advise that in any sitatuon. Secrets are bad. Of course this is where the Elex Palex triangle occurs but don't worry folks, it's about to get even more fun. 


	4. My Blue Heaven

Disclaimer: I own nothing Degrassi-related besides my own ideas...all lyrics by Taking Back Sunday.

* * *

**- The Things We'll Never Know -**

_And it's all too familiar  
And it happens all the time.._

Ellie sat on her beat-up old couch, eyes trained on the television in front of her. She'd been sitting there for what seemed like hours, and though she was staring at the TV set, she wasn't comprehending anything she was seeing. Her mind was somewhere else. She sighed deeply, hastily making her way into the kitchen. She opened the fridge, but it was empty. Her eyes focused on the only thing that was there. Sitting alone on a shelf was an unopened bottle of vodka. Ellie hesitated for a moment, looking around suspiciously before grabbing the bottle and going back into the living room. She opened the bottle and held it in front of her thirsty mouth, the smell making her stomach sick. It reminded her of everything she'd gone through with her mom. It'd been about a month since her mom's last alcohol induced episode. She would undoubtedly notice the misisng booze, but right now Ellie didn't concern herself with these things. She felt like such a fool. What had made her think that Alex would actually want to be in a relationship with her? Ellie, the messed up girl. The desperate and forgotten, doomed to be the "friend" for the rest of her life. She brought the bottle up to her lips, swallowing away her pain in hard gulps.

She knew the alcohol hadn't kicked in yet. Ellie stood, forcefully pushing over the coffee table and letting its contents fall to the floor with a crash. She picked up the lamp, throwing it onto the floor. Finally she ripped the cushions and pillows off of the couch, also disposing them on the floor. Grabbing the now half-empty bottle and the warped lampshade, Ellie made her way down the hall. She dropped the shade somewhere on the way, not paying attention as she closed her door. She searched through her room, trying to find the bottle of tylenol she'd stashed away. When she finally found it, she locked her bedroom door and swallowed a large handful of pills, washing it down with more vodka. Ellie picked up the phone and called her friend out of desperation.

"I need you." Ellie slurred into the phone as soon as Alex answered. Unbeknownst to her, Alex was at Paige's house. It was about four in the morning, and the two girls had been sleeping. Alex sat up in Paige's bed, noticing the change in Ellie's voice. It was obvious she was drunk. Alex hadn't _ever_ seen Ellie drunk. It was a touchy subject because Ellie was really against drinking since everything that had happened with her mom. It took Alex by surprise that her friend would resort to drinking. Then again, people did out of character things when they were upset. Alex could definitely attest to that.

"Are you at home?" Alex asked, growing increasingly worried.  
"Yes. I need to see you." It was the last thing Ellie managed to say before her eyes fluttered shut and she passed out there on the alcohol-soaked floor.

Alex hurried to Ellie's house, giving Paige a quick explanation and asking to borrow her car before heading out the door. Alex jumped into the car and sped all the way to Ellie's house, determined to get there before anything bad happened to her. As soon as Alex saw the shape the living room was in, she knew something was terribly wrong. The coffee table was overturned, couch cushions and pillows littering the floor. The lamp lay broken, pieces of glass everywhere. Alex cursed as she walked down the hallway, the ominous silence giving her the creeps. When she noticed Ellie's closed door, she attempted to open it. It was locked. She had no idea what Ellie could be doing on the opposite side of the door. Actually, she had plenty of ideas. She just didn't want to think about the dozens of terrible possibilities. Alex stood back from the door and rushed it in one swif motion, hoping Ellie was nowhere nearby. Alex got in, landing on the floor with a loud smack. The distinctive smell of vodka rose to her nostrils and she frowned deeply as she noticed Ellie passed out on the floor.

Alex knelt over her friend, feeling for her pulse and then trying to wake her up with no success. Alex grabbed the phone discarded beside of Ellie on the floor, dialing 911. She described the situation in a frantic voice to someone on the other end of the phone, hanging up and feeling grateful an ambulance was on the way. She picked up an open pill bottle, gasping when she realized it was empty. So not only was Ellie at risk for alcohol poisoning, she'd also tried to overdose. Alex instantly felt guilty, wondering if Ellie had done this because of her.

The wait for the emergency squad seemed like ages, and when they finally arrived, Alex got into the ambulance. She felt like she was going to faint, holding her head in her hands and breathing heavily. Her feelings overwhelmed her as she rode to the hospital. Ellie had to be okay. She was her best friend. It was now pretty obvious that she didn't take rejection well. Alex sighed. She'd known that. Ellie had told her many times of her issues with relationships and how she'd been rejected time and time again. At that point Alex hadn't even thought of being the one to reject her friend in the future, but she had. If the situation had been different...

Ellie woke up, looking around in confusion. She was in the hospital, and didn't remember why. She couldn't really remember anything that had happened. Ellie gazed at Alex, who had been staring at her from a nearby chair for who knew how long.  
"Good. You're awake." Alex stood, taking a closer position by the bed. She clutched Ellie's hand in hers, so tightly Ellie thought she was afraid she'd float away.

"Yeah. Um, what happened?" Ellie curled her fingers around Alex's, a warm feeling taking over her body. Alex was so close to her, she could feel her breath on her face. Ellie looked into Alex's eyes, pools of deep brown that were beyond soaked with worry.

"You don't remember?" Alex questioned. Ellie shook her hand and Alex began to explain. "You drank a bottle of vodka and downed who knows how many tylenol, called me, then passed out. I rushed over and the house was trashed. I had to break your door down to get and find you. I called the ambulance. They pumped your stomach and everything. You could have died." Emotion was evident in Alex's eys. She gripped Ellie's hand tighter if it was even possible, leaning down and staring into her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Ellie said weakly. She hadn't realized what she was doing. She'd been upset. Some excuse, but the other part of her had in fact taken over. It scared her to know what Alex told her. She only remembered bits of what Alex said she'd done. Ellie was ripped from her thoughts when she felt Alex's lips meeting her own. When the kiss ended, Ellie blinked a few times, not understanding what was going on. "I thought you said..." Her voice trailed off.

"Nevermind what I said." Alex answered, forcefully taking Ellie's face in her hands and kissing her a second time. Ellie closed her eyes, surrendering to the passion in Alex's lips.

Alex wasn't sure what possessed her to kiss Ellie. She knew she was getting herself in a very messed up situation, but right now she just didn't care. Ellie had been sitting there like that and Alex just found herself wanting to kiss her. After all, she'd almost lost her completely. It wasn't like she and Paige were officially dating again. They'd reconciled, yes, but their relationship was quite vague. So technically, Alex wasn't doing anything wrong. At least, that's what she told herself as she was in Ellie's tight embrace.

_All the cards begin to stack up,  
Twisting heartache into fine  
Little pieces that avoid an awful crime,  
But it's you I can't deny._

* * *

**Author's Note: **Alex's reaction was to the fact that she almost lost Ellie. Ellie who she loves so much. She'd never uncovered these feelings until recently and she was hiding from them. But after denying Ellie and seeing what she'd done, she reconsidered things. What does this mean for Palex? Well, you'll find out soon. 


	5. Error Operator

Disclaimer: I own nothing Degrassi-related besides my own ideas...all lyrics by Taking Back Sunday.

* * *

**- The Things We'll Never Know -**

_Well there's been an accident  
There's been an accident, breathe  
In and out calm down  
Breathe in and out calm down_

Paige was out of her mind with worry. Alex had left her place at four in the morning because Ellie had given her a drunken phone call. It was now past noon, and Alex hadn't even bothered to call yet. Paige wished she would have accompanied Alex to Ellie's house, but she had been so tired that she didn't even think about it at the time. Her mind was running wild. What if Ellie was dead? Or what if they were together somewhere this very moment, making love? Paige couldn't deny the fact that she was insanely jealous of Ellie. After she discovered the other girl's crush on her sort-of-girlfriend, she'd been extremely protective and suspicious. After all, Ellie and Alex were best friends and would probably make a better couple and fight a lot less. That didn't change the fact that Paige and Alex were meant to be - Paige just wasn't sure Alex was smart enough to realize that.

She about jumped out of her skin when her cell phone rang. Finally, it was Alex.

"Paige, I'm at the hospital. I'm in the lobby right now, Ellie's getting some rest, but could you please come as soon as possible? I really need to talk to you about..everything." She told her, her voice low. Paige swallowed, knowing this talk couldn't be anything good.

"Yeah, sure. Let me get a bit more presentable and I'll be there in a few minutes," Paige answered slowly, biting her lip with anxiousness. "Don't go anywhere."

Paige snapped her phone shut, peeling off her nightgown before grabbing various items of clothing: a tank top, a pair of jeans, her bra and underwear, and a clean pair of socks. She rushed, putting her clothes on as quickly as possible and then making her way over to the mirror, trying to salvage her hair. It was matted from the pillow, and parts of it were sticking up at odd angles. She brushed it thoroughly and then grabbed her purse, practically running down the stairs.

Paige was nervous again as she drove to the hospital. Alex had given her no indication of what had happened the night before. She didn't know what kind of mess she was walking into. What kind of shape was Ellie in? There had been so much drama the past two days, what with Alex getting drunk and cutting up her arm and then Ellie getting drunk and doing who knows what. Paige shuddered, telling herself she would never drink alcohol to solve her problems. It was just so easy to get to, that's why everyone was so intent on using it.

She was finally there. She parked her car and hurried to the lobby, where Alex was sitting in one of the bland teal hospital chairs, trying to look interested in a year old National Geographic. Paige took the seat beside of her, and the other girl, the girl she knew so well, lowered the magazine. There it was in her eyes. Bad news. Paige swallowed, blinking back tears and waiting expectantly for Alex to tell her something horrible. Both girls were silent for awhile.

"Ellie is okay. She's in her room still. When I got to her house, it was trashed. Seriously, she broke the lamp and threw everything all over the floor, then she locked herself in her bedroom. It smelled like vodka so bad.." Alex made a fist in anger. "I am so disappointed in her. Anyway, I managed to kick down the door or whatever, and there she was lying next to an empty tylenol bottle. I called an ambulance and tried to wake her up, but she wasn't moving and her breathing was all shallow. Paige, it was so scary. I almost lost her and I can't lose her I really love - I really care about her." Alex began to cry, and Paige let her arms pull the other girl close, smoothing back her hair.

"I get it." Paige answered, narrowing her gaze. So Alex did have feelings for Ellie. No, it made sense. It made a lot of sense. Ellie was beautiful, smart, into the same kind of stuff Alex was, they both had bad family lives and so much more in common. It only made sense for them to like each other. But where did that leave Paige?

"You get what?" Alex asked, confused.  
"Your feelings for her." Paige replied, pulling away from Alex and biting her lip so hard that she thought she might draw blood. She stood from the chair. "I hope she makes you happier than I did." Paige began to walk away when Alex grabbed her arm.

"Okay. I admit it - I kissed her. Back here when she woke up. I know how close she came to dying, Paige. I mean, that's huge. It just made me realize some stuff. I do care about her. In what way I don't know. But she kissed me first! I know that's so kindergarten, but that day I found out she liked me, she kissed me. I was asking her if she liked me, but I hadn't quite gotten the question out and she thought I was asking her out and she just kissed me right there and I told her I was with you and I thought it was over. But now I don't know. She's so sweet, and I don't want to hurt her, she's been rejected so many times and she did what she did because of me. I feel BAD," Alex paused. "But I do love you. You know I love you, more than anything. I want to be with you so much. Do you think it can really work out between us? You're leaving. You're going to Banting and I'm staying here. So what makes you think we could make this work? Why did you bother starting this messed up relationship again? All it's going to cause is pain."

"Pain is worth it. Anything is worth it. Alex, I'm not worried about the future. FUCK THE FUTURE!" Paige screamed, completely out of character for herself, but she was becoming hysterical. "I don't care if we make sense, or if we'll work, or if this has any real potential. I care that I love you and that you make me feel like no one else ever could. But you just want to throw that away. Because you pity her. Because she tried to kill herself over you and now you feel like you owe it to her?" Paige laughed aloud. "That's just funny. You're such a great _friend._"

"I'm sorry. I really am. I don't want to hurt you, but no matter where I turn, I'm going to hurt someone. And who are you to talk about pity? I know the only reason this started again was because Ellie told you about what I did. You know that was because of you, and you probably feel guilty, and that's the whole reason you wanted to be with me again. To make sure I wouldn't go off the deep end and do something crazy." Alex told her, still gripping Paige's arm in her hand.

"Oh, yeah, right. We were together before that, though. Yeah, what you did is awful. But I missed you before that. I wanted you back before that. I loved you before that. So no, you can't compare us to you two. You can't compare the situations. Because they are NOT similar. You know what? I don't want to do this anymore. Do what you want, I don't care. Just leave me out of it. Goodbye, Alex." Paige pulled her arm away. "I hope you're very happy together."

_Well would you do it again, again  
And count backwards from ten  
Sometimes I swear I can see straight through you  
Just concentrate, good try  
But would you do it again, again_

* * *

**Author's Note:** It's been about a year since I've written anything on here. I got a review on one of my stories and went to read it, and then randomly decided to reread this story. I decided to (attempt) to continue it because it is one of the few on here that is actually good, and that still matches my current writing style. The older my writing, the less like me it is. I've been concentrating on original fiction, my new job, and my girlfriend. I haven't gotten to watch Degrassi as much as I'd like.

Just as a reminder since this is an old story, it takes place during the summer, after Spinner & Paige sleep together and she and Alex are broken up. Thanks for all the support, please don't push me to write because all that will do is annoy me. So much drama, oh my goodness! Don't worry, Paige won't resort to alcohol. I don't want any of them to do that again. It's getting a bit tired. I know this is short. I'm trying to get back into writing again.


	6. You're So Last Summer

Disclaimer: I own nothing Degrassi-related besides my own ideas...all lyrics by Taking Back Sunday.

* * *

**- The Things We'll Never Know -**

_And all I  
Need to know  
Is that I'm something you'll be missing_

When Paige left the hospital, she knew that Alex was following her. She began to walk faster, and then got into her car and drove off. She saw Alex cursing at her and then going back inside the hospital. Of course being there for Ellie was much more important than going after Paige. Paige knew she was being selfish - Ellie could've died...But it was her own fault!

Paige sobbed loudly as she and Alex's song came on the radio. Tears were pouring from her blue eyes and running down her face, probably messing up her makeup as well. At the moment, however, she didn't care. She sniffled as the light turned red, and she made a clumsy stop, almost running into the car in front of her. She pulled some tissues out of her glove box and wiped her nose and face. She couldn't help being upset. Alex had all but left her for another girl. No, no, no. She wouldn't accept it. If she had to do something to get Alex's attention, well, that's just what she would do. But first she had to go home.

Paige barely made it home without wrecking, as it was hard to see anything through the thousands of tears that made their way down her cheeks. She walked into the house sniffling and wiped her eyes again, hoping her brother wouldn't notice anything was amiss. As soon as she walked in, he came to the front door to greet her. He smiled at first, but when he took in the sight of his upset sister, he frowned. He led her into the kitchen, and the both of them sat down at the table, her big brother gazing at her with concern.

"What happened?" He asked her in his caring voice.  
"I don't want to talk about it." Paige replied huffily, hiding her face. He hit the table with ferocity, causing her to look up at him.

"I don't care if you don't want to talk about it! I'm your big brother and if someone hurt you all I need is a name. Just a name and I'll go pummel them. I don't let anyone hurt my sister. So who was it? What did they do? Please, just say something. I know you're upset - I've never SEEN you this upset." Dylan argued.

"It was Alex. But please listen to me first. Don't go and hurt her, I don't want her hurt, it's just..." Paige surrendered to the tears again. "She and I were at a fresh start and now we're over again so soon just when I thought we could really be together again. Now she's at the hospital with Ellie, and Ellie likes her and they kissed and Ellie tried to kill herself so of course Alex has to be with her now because she feels bad. Well I'll just have to resort to something. I'll have to get her attention. Maybe make her jealous or something, I don't know, I just want her back! I have to have her." Paige was saying loudly, practically shouting.

"Okay, okay. I get it. But you need to calm down." Dylan told her.

"Calm down? I don't have time to calm down. You don't get it okay?! She's the one person - the one person who really does get me and can always make me feel better and I feel empty! I feel like I've been raped all over again, but this time it's my heart. She's tearing me apart. I need to have her and I will do anything to get her. I'd give it all up for her. I have. I gave up my reputation, what people think of me, I did it all because I love her. That stupid girl with the beautiful eyes and the fucked up life and the penchant for drugs. I don't know why I love her, but I do. And I sit here every night dreaming up ways to get her back and then when I finally do, she has to screw things up. It's just not right. We're meant to be. I'm talking real life love here and don't take this lightly, she is my heart, she is my life. I would jump off the Degrassi bridge if it meant getting her back!" Paige said to him hysterically. He stared at her in disbelief.

"You're taking this way too seriously, Paige. No one's worth killing yourself over. No one." He frowned, trying to grab her hand, but she resisted him.

"You have no right to lecture me, your love life is just as messed up as mine. You did the same thing to Marco that she's doing to me. You cheated on him. So you can't just say," Paige got up from her chair. "You can't just say you get it and expect me to calm down. So do me a favor and leave me alone." She shoved the chair into the table and ran up the stairs and into her room, locking the door. She took a place on her bed, breathing heavily and contemplating what she would do to get Alex back.

Paige didn't remember falling asleep, and when her eyes fluttered open, she looked around confused. She yawned, clutching her teddy bear close to her and then remembering what had went on. She glanced at the clock to see that it was a little after eight o'clock, prime time for her to do what she finally thought of doing. First she visited the closet again, putting on a very tight top that showed the perfect amount of cleavage, and a mini skirt so mini it would make Paris Hilton blush. She touched up her makeup, paying special attention to make her lips extra shiny and pink, and then slipped on a pair of wedge heels. She grabbed her purse and headed outside. The sky was a velvet blue, the stars sparkling beautifully. She would've appreciated it if she hadn't been so preoccupied.

Paige drove there with a determined look on her face, nevermind the fact that her hands were shaking. She didn't want to do this, not at all, but if it would get Alex's attention. She hoped she didn't catch something. She gulped as she pulled into the ravine, looking around at the flock of people that were here. It wasn't hard to find Jay. Before she could talk herself out of it she was pushing him against the grass covered ground and kissing him wildly. He was already buzzing and he kissed her back just as ferociously, his fingers making tracks through her hair. He pulled her up with him and drug her to the van, wasting no time in putting his hands under her shirt and unclasping her bra. He blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the lighting, and although he was buzzed, he wasn't completely out of his mind.

"Wait a minute, Paige? Paige Michalchuk?" Jay actually felt embarrassed as he sat there, and he pulled his hands from out of her shirt, completely taken aback. "What are you doing here? I was about to-" He cursed loudly, and then laughed. "Alex would have shredded me, do you know that?"

"Alex and I aren't together anymore. She's with Ellie now." Paige told him matter of factly. He let out a quiet chuckle. He held up a hand and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing a number. Paige stared at him numbly, feeling a bit exposed with her bra falling off. She thought to reach back and reclasp it again, but she didn't bother.

"Alex, you need to come to the ravine, now. Paige just tried to..." He stopped speaking for a minute, and Paige wondered what was going on at the other end of the phone. "No, nothing like that. She came here and tried to make me have sex with her. I almost did until I realized who it was. No, Lexi. No! I didn't mean to. I swear. I wouldn't do that to you. Just come and get her okay? No, I don't think she's drunk. Please. She's in bad condition. She needs you. Fucking listen to me, Lexi! I don't care where you are. Just come and get her, now. Unless you want me to drive her to you? But I have to say if a cop pulls me over, I'd be put in jail for DUI. Okay, good. See you soon." He hung up the phone and looked at Paige triumphantly. Paige blinked, a bit confused. "She's coming to get you."

"Oh. Well, are you sure you don't want to sleep with me? I bet if she came and we were doing that, she'd take me back. She'd be so jealous." Paige pulled Jay towards her, kissing him again. He pushed her away.  
"No way. For one thing, she wouldn't take you back, she'd hate you and never speak to you again. Another thing, I would not do that to her. Alex is my friend, and you're her...whatever...and I really don't want to die." Jay said evenly.

"Fine. I'll find someone else." She attempted to get out of the van, but Jay beat her out and locked her inside, knowing that if he did so, she wouldn't have the chance to find someone else to "make Alex jealous with." He was doing her a favor, she just didn't realize it.

* * *

Alex was quite surprised by the phone call she recieved from Jay. She was at Ellie's house, and they had been laying together on her bed. Ellie was asleep, and Alex's mind was left to wander. She felt so bad for basically telling Paige she couldn't be with her. It's not that she didn't want her, because she did, so much. The only reason she was with Ellie is because of how guilty she felt. She knew that was wrong, too. She was highly attracted to Ellie sexually, and she cared about her and even loved her, but not the way she did Paige. Alex would have no problem doing physical things with Ellie, but when it came to other types of intimacy, she just couldn't see it. They were best friends, and she couldn't see any real relationship coming out of them. But Paige she loved more than life. With Paige the sexuality was secondary. She had a need to be with her and a wanting to be loved and cared for because Paige pushed her in a way no one else could.

Alex untangled herself from Ellie's arms, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and leaving her a note to find whenever she awoke. She grabbed her stuff and left, speeding to get to the ravine. As soon as she arrived she saw Jay, standing there next to Paige's vacant car. He was frowning. She rolled down the window, and he walked towards it before he spoke.

"I locked her in the van so she couldn't get out. I didn't know what else to do. She's really messed up - not on drugs or anything, just upset. She's willing to do anything to get you back. Lexi," Jay paused. "I know you don't wanna hear this and I won't say it more than once, God knows I couldn't take it if anyone heard me right now. You two are right together. I knew it from the first moment and that's why I was jealous. It makes a lot of sense. So go get your girlfriend, and take her home. Please."

Alex nodded, getting out of the car and walking over to the van. They unlocked and opened the doors, and then noticed it. The broken window. Paige was gone.

_Maybe I should hate you for this  
If only you knew half as much as you pretend to_

* * *

**Author's Note:** Not sure why I'm making it so dramatic! But yeah, I guess this is my return. At least on this story, the others don't seem good enough for me to salvage. Unless you like any of them enough and want to encourage me, I might attempt, but no promises. I'd really like to finish this one. Shouldn't take but a couple more chapters. 


	7. Up Against

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or its' characters - if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing fanfiction. All the lyrics are by Taking Back Sunday. A very good band, by the way.

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**- The Things We'll Never Know -**

Alex stared at the van in silence and disbelief. Paige had actually broken the window to escape. Alex sprinted back over to Paige's car, and there she was, turning the car on and driving away. Alex ran as fast as she could behind the convertible, and as soon as she got up close enough, she jumped into the vehicle. Paige let out a loud shriek and stomped on the brake.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" She screamed, grabbing Alex by the shirt. "I COULD'VE RAN YOU OVER!"

"You wouldn't do that, though." Alex replied cooly.  
"Not on purpose..." Paige mumbled, crossing her arms and pulling the car to the side of the road. "So, are you still with her?"

"To her knowledge I am. But you know I only belong to you." Alex insisted. Paige laughed.  
"Yeah, sure. Get out of my car." Paige demanded, pushing Alex towards the door. Her friend obeyed, getting out of the vehicle as Paige turned it back on and drove off. Alex stood there and watched Paige's car disappear over the horizon.

Paige drove wildly to Ellie's house, fuming the entire time. When she pulled into that familiar driveway, she slammed her door shut and stomped loudly up to the front door. Then she knocked. And knocked. And knocked. Finally, Ellie came to the door, looking disheveled and confused.

"Paige?" Ellie's eyes widened. "Did something happen?"

Paige walked forward, pushing Ellie inside her house and closing the door behind her. Paige actually thought of trying to hurt the girl, but she realized her own strength and knew she wouldn't actually be able to do any real damage. So she settled for a talk.  
"No. Well, yes. I don't know. But we need to talk." Paige told her seriously, taking a seat. Ellie nodded, sitting beside of her. "What's the deal with you and Alex?"

"I don't know," Ellie answered honestly. "She's been really weird. I thought she didn't like me, and then when I was in the hospital she kissed me, but now she will barely touch me. Things are off for sure. I think it's because of you. Paige, I know she doesn't feel for me half the way she feels for you. I understand that. I mean, I look at you and I look at me, and I _see_ that. I know people don't really like me that way, ever. I'm not attractive, I'm too pathetic, it's everything. Of course Alex would choose you. You're beautiful, smart, you have the perfect life. Well - not always, but you know what I mean. It's unfair for me to assume that Alex would give you up for me."

"She did, though. But I miss her. Ellie, you're wrong. You are attractive. Very attractive. See, I was so threatened by you because I think those same things about you that you do about me. You're gorgeous, intelligent, creative, closer to Alex in a lot of ways I can't even get. Yeah, I'm jealous. But mostly I'm awed. She must care about you a lot for her to give up me for you. I do know how much she loves me, probably just about as much as I love her." Paige paused, chewing her lip. "I get it. I know you've been rejected so much before. I just want you to realize this time it isn't personal. Alex likes you, she even finds you attractive, but her heart is tied up. As much as I hate to admit it, she might actually be with you for real if I wasn't in the picture." Paige smiled a little.

"You think I'm gorgeous?" Ellie asked, bowing her head a little. Her lip was trembling. Paige took the other girl's hand, squeezing it lightly.

"Of course I do. Anyone would be crazy not to." Paige leaned forward, giving Ellie a quick kiss on the cheek. "Remember that. You deserve the best, someone who can really dedicate themselves to you. Never settle. Always shoot high, because you deserve someone that gets you and that treats you right. Okay? And remember if you ever need to talk, Alex and I are here for you."

Ellie grinned, pulling Paige into a hug. "I'll try to remember."

Paige leaned into the hug, patting Ellie's back and smoothing back her red hair. She smiled, getting up from the couch and looking at Ellie one last time. "I'm sure Alex will be here soon to talk to you." And with that, she left.

Ellie stayed there on the couch, thinking about everything Paige had said. She couldn't help feeling a bit pathetic, because it seemed like she'd always been rejected by someone. There was Marco, who just wasn't attracted to her because she was female. She knew he was gay, but it still hurt her. She had to pretend for a very long time that they were actually dating...her heart go so wrapped up in the matter. Then there was Sean. She couldn't believe it when he actually liked her. But he left, obviously not in love with her enough to stay. And Craig. She'd been so in love with Craig, but he'd always wanted someone else. Manny, or Ashley. Never Ellie.

Ellie knew she'd harbored several crushes in the past, not all on males. Actually, she'd had a thing for Ashley when she first met her. But that was long gone, and they were barely friends anymore. Then there was the time when she used to cut, and Paige saved her. As angry as she was at the time, she was so thankful. Ellie gulped, thinking back to those times. Maybe she hadn't completely gotten over her crush on Paige, either. That made things so weird and complicated. She had a crush on both Paige AND Alex, who happened to be in a relationship with each other. Ellie laughed. _Only me,_ she thought.

Ellie jumped at a quiet knock on the door. She hurried to the front door and opened it to see Alex's retreating back. As soon as Alex heard the door open, she spun back around. Her face displayed her every emotion. It was obvious she felt bad to be rejecting Ellie like that. That made Ellie smile, at least. The two of them sat on her front steps, Alex lacing her fingers in and out of each other for awhile before she finally got the courage to speak.

"I am really sorry for everything." Alex said quietly.

"It's okay. You don't have to give me a big long talk. I'd figured it all out myself when Paige stopped by." Ellie smiled lightly, squeezing Alex's shoulder. Her friend looked at her in alarm.

"Oh my god, what did she do to you?" Alex's eyes grew large. Ellie chuckled.

"Just talked," Looking at Alex's surprise, she laughed again. "Surprising, eh? No no, she didn't hit me. She just talked to me a lot, and I realized something. I need to stop focusing on my love life and get the rest of my life together first. I mean yeah, I do like you a lot, but it's obvious you don't feel the same way. It was sweet of you to try and spare my feelings, but I don't want you both to be unhappy on my account. So you are totally free to be with her."

"You know if I didn't love her so damn much and if I was single, I would totally be into you. You're a really great girl - and you're going to find a really nice girl - or guy - someday." Alex replied, hugging Ellie tightly to her, glad they were back in understanding. "So are we friends?"

"Definitely. I'll see you around, okay?" Ellie answered, squeezing Alex one last time before getting up and going to the door. "Call me." Alex got up and waved goodbye, walking down the steps. She made it halfway down the street when she pulled out her cell phone to call Paige.

"I'm sorry. I made such a big mistake." She told the blonde.

_Regrets always work  
Excuses are better  
A practical exchange  
Or a trade for the truth_

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**Author's Note:** I came so close to making Paige and Ellie kiss, although it wouldn't have fit in the story and would've been really wrong. I'm sorry, I just wanted a moment of Pellie! So a kiss on the cheek had to suffice. Maybe one or two chapters after this, then I'm finished. The next story I plan on finishing will be Deformography, if I can get the courage to do so. 


End file.
